If you google birth plans there are so many links and opinions. There are plenty of handy templates and there is a lot to ponder. Do I want a birth pool in my lounge surrounded by my favourite aromatherapy candles while Tibetan chants play on the stereo? Do I want to be knocked-out the minute I feel the first contraction and wake up the next day with a baby and a flat-ish tummy? Somewhere in the middle?

Birth plans are one of the things you talk about in antenatal classes. Depending on the philosophy of the person conducting the class, it will either be really relaxed and they’ll explain your options or they’ll have pretty strong opinions about everything – and generally in the direction of “natural” etc. I didn’t go to classes. I didn’t need to know about newborn care (and this wasn’t the first go for Jim’s dads) and I had a great medical team supporting me that I could talk to about my wishes. Also, while I do have a stationery fetish, I didn’t see typing one up on pretty pink or blue paper and laminating multiple copies for the hospital like so many blogs seem to suggest.

Birth plans tend to have two parts – the first part is about the mother and who will be there and what she’ll need. The second is about the baby and what you’d prefer for the initial post birth moments for them. As Jim wasn’t mine, I was more concerned with part A but her dads had some decisions to express about part B.

At 36 weeks, we booked a double length appointment with the midwife to go over my birth plan – or as we dubbed it, my birth preferences. I much prefer that phrasing. Things rarely go to plan. My “plan” was to have a couple of contractions, a big sneeze, and then there would be a baby. That’s totally reasonable, right? In reality, we talked about the possible interventions and complications and how I would want to handle them. Generally, I’m a pretty laid back person and was keen to go with the flow. Also, I had a team of medical professionals I trust completely and know that they had both my best interests and Jim’s in mind when helping me make decisions on the day.

What we agreed was that I wanted there to be as little medical intervention as necessary but wasn’t against whatever was necessary to prevent unnecessary stress on Jim (and me). I knew from the beginning that I didn’t want a c-section (an elective one was offered right from the beginning but I was afraid of the surgery and the recovery so wanted to avoid if possible – even though with my age there was a 50% chance of one).

Next up – who would be in the delivery room? I had 3 people with me – Jim’s dads and (sainted flatmate) Megan. If everything went “by the book”, they’d be there until Jim slid out. The rule was that anyone without medical training needed to stay above my belly button.

If I ended up with a c-section, I wanted the dads with me (or at least as many of them as the hospital would allow. The rule is only one support person but when their older daughter was born, the hospital allowed them both into the operating theatre). I chose to spare Megan from the horrors of an OR – she was already a saint to agree to come to the hospital with me.

Every woman I spoke to (and a few of the men whose wives had been through childbirth) all recommended taking the drugs. I certainly wasn’t against it, but I was worried about being stuck in bed if I had an epidural. My preference was to be offered it until I either accepted or it was too late to accept. As I was being induced at 39 weeks, once I was put on the drip I would be on a monitor and stuck in bed anyway so I might not have much option to move around anyway.

Next was the most important, in my opinion – who would get first cuddle? I was quite insistent that it be me. This is something that I have felt strongly about since I started thinking about the surrogacy. I wanted to welcome this precious life to the world and then pass her on to her dads.

Funnily, I think it’s the only thing I had a strong opinion on for the whole process. As for the rest – who got second cuddle, who cut the cord, I didn’t have an opinion on. I know cutting the cord meant that one of the dads (I doubt Megan - who is more than a little squeamish - wanted to do it) would be below my belly button but I suspect that at that point my lady parts would no longer be the focus for anyone – but especially for me.

And so, we had my preferences. The only plan was to have me and Jim split into two separate and hopefully healthy beings. Everything else would fall into plan as it happened. The thing to remember, whether you’re a surrogate or not, is that it’s all about you and the baby. The end goal is to end up with a healthy birth mom and a healthy baby and everyone in the delivery suite is working towards that goal. Feel free to be as particular as you need to be to feel comfortable. I believe that with so little of what’s been happening to your body while pregnant you can actually control (ie basically nothing), it’s important to find the things you can and work with them.